I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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