google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
