there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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