My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
