My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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