Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
NoShamevember. You game?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
