Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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