Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
