Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
