I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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