She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
