a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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