I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
