i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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