He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
