Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
