Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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