Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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