I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
