He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
