I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
