When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
