so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
