Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
