why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
