It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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