i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
