Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
