I cannot find my penis.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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