Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
