The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
