My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
