I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
