Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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