What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
