I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
