Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
