and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
