I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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