I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
