Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
