He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
