I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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