My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
