I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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