Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
