So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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