The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
