i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
