Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
