Do you still have your period?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
