my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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