he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
