I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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