I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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