why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
