My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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